Moving On - What if's

My Room.
Sunday.

I have never really evaluated my life. All this time, I was just going with the flow. I finished elementary with honors. Entered a good reputable High School. Graduated with honors. Passed one of the Top Universities in the Philippines. Finished a computer degree in college for four years. Applied for work. One month after, I was hired for work. My life is just a straight line. Yeah I know, It sounds boring. I wasn't a teenage mom. I wasn't addicted to something. I had no passion for something. I have fallen in love with Josh, JD, Bryce, Superman and many other imaginary hubbies of mine. But I haven't had serious relationships. Heck! I haven't even had one for crying out loud. But I knew that my heart was crushed once...

Often times, I'd sit alone and think. I've always wonder what if...

I didn't meet Carisse back when we were attending summer cathechism. My mom wouldn't have encouraged me to study at Los Banos with her. I would have graduated at Canossa. I would have finished a degree at a college within Calamba. I would never have this work. I might have been married to this 'guy', back home. Or separated with two child. And still be living with my parents. Crying my heart out everyday. Wanting to leave but couldn't. Changing diapers while I watch Judy Ann Santos wear tight clothes, fly and save the world.

I didn't share my 1/4 sheet of paper with Jeni back in freshman year. I wouldn't be friends with her. I wouldn't have a lunchmate. I would have been closer to my elementary schoolmates. I would have different set of friends. I would have been more out going. But I couldn't have been an honor student when I graduated. I wouldn't have strived harder to excell.I wouldn't have a different outlook in life. I might have other connections that could have been for good or far worst than i could imagine.

I didn't stay at Kalayaan. I wouldn't have meet my basketball teammates and won the championship. I wouldn't have known my Kalayaan 3rd floor friends.I wouldn't have learned to swear o curse. (Hmmm... not bad.) I wouldn't be close to my brothers/sisters (best friends) - blockmates. My college life would have been a bore. I wouldn't have been accepted at Ilang Ilang.

I didn't transfer to Ilang Ilang. I wouldn't have meet Ate Jo, Ate Babs, Ate Monique, Maqui, Baby Len, Kitchi, Shewiw, Happy, Banana, Agnezita, Baby Cathy, Tina, Ghie, Icile, Kat, and all the Ilang Ladies. I wouldn't have this Kikay out look in life. No Gay Lingo. No more Bermont's, UP Fair, Free Concerts, Open Houses, Interdorm Basketball, Ilang Lobby, Internet 24-7, Charlieze. No more KYTHE, No Task Force Street Children. I would have been with my boardmates partying all night or drinking coffee and doing some advance research study.

I haven't had a 5.0 in my class card. I wouldn't have learned JAVA, HTML, JSP and SQL before we even study Database Systems. I wouldn't have strived harder to master ASSEMBLY Language. I wouldn't have learned that I'm not perfect & genius. I wouldn't have (boy cut) short hair. I wouldn't have meet the younger CS batch. I wouldn't have taken the EEE8 the next year and meet BRYCE.

I haven't taken CS195. I would have never had that one day. One whole day to get to know this 'webmaster' & fallen for him. I wouldn't have been close to RJ, Justin, Alec, Ric, Lani, Ghel, Mhy, Yvette and Edwin. I wouldn't have a 'second barkada' in college. My thesis mates wouldn't be Ric & CJ.

I told him what I felt. I would have confronted the situation instead of running away. He would have been with me... (or would he be?) I wouldn't have cried for one week. I wouldn't have tortured myself, asking "what I have I done wrong?" or "was It just my imagination?"

I didn't stay at the EEE Laboratory and finished the circuit. I wouldn't have graduated on time. I wouldn't have any reason to plead to the Department chair of the EEE department. I wouldn't have bonded with Arthur. I would have been a bum for 1 sem. and go back to school to finish EEE8. I would have taken other CS subjects, meet other people and develop another circle of friends.

I haven't heard PAUL answered Cielo's phone call. I wouldn't have taken an exam. I wouldn't have known Leanne was also taking an exam and still looking for job. I wouldn't have attended the interview with Pauline, Adrian & Jun. I wouldn't have accepted the offer.

I didn't work for OOCL. I wouldn't have known Char, Donnie and Leanne better. Much less be comfortable with them, especially Carla. I wouldn't have meet Jori, Annette, Pong during out first training with Allan. I wouldn't have been part of the MIS team. I wouldn't have known Jonathan was funny, friendly, responsible and has a dog with 3 legs, Allan was a great teacher, OC most of the time, loves to eat, and silent aside from the occational days when he prefers to bully me, Dhette is very patient, helpful and a wonderful mom , Mel & Shane are best friends, they have their afternoon miryenda together, Pauline is a silent type of person, a basketball player that plays beautiful music with her violin, Adrian has a mysterious personality with funny jokes, wierd hirits and inclination to arts.

I haven't move to my current cubicle. I wouldn't have listen to Jean's angelic voice and Lui's opm band choices. Pop up into Jonathan's cube whenever I have urgent questions. See what "He" is doing just by bending over my trash can. Or see crush pass-by ever morning as "HE" walks towards his office.

These are some of my life's turning point. Sometimes I wish these things haven't happened. My life could have been different. If not for good, maybe better. I could have made the right choice along the way or could have made the situation even worst. Either way, I wouldn't be here writing this piece of junk.


From Calamba, I went to Los Banos.
From Los Banos, I ended up at Diliman.
From Diliman, I found myself at Malate.

Sure I've been to different places.
Explored new dimensions.
Witnessed exciting events.

I have always loved moving and exploring different things.
But this time, I wanted to see my life as a whole.
Was it just a bore?
Or have I lived it to the fullest possible yet?

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I am big. It's the pictures that got small. - Gloria Swanson in "Sunset Boulevard"